No Fear. No Shame. – Nicole Bastfield
I’ve struggled to write this piece simply because it made me evaluate and question whether or not fear and shame played a part in my “coming out” journey. As I look back over my journey, I realize that they have both been present at a time or two, whether presenting themselves alone or together. As a Scorpio, I would love to say that we know no fear or shame but that is far from the truth.
I’ve known fear and shame. I came out during the fall of 1998. I was a sophomore in college. Kirstin, a perky girl from New York, was my roommate. I had been dating my then girlfriend for some time and I was afraid – FEAR – to tell my family. How would they deal with this ungodly abomination? So, I confided in my roommate. She was beyond ecstatic! She immediately went to our 9th floor dorm room window and yelled from the window announcing to anyone within earshot that her roommate was a lesbian! She told her friends that lived on the floors below ours. She called her boyfriend back home. All the while, I sat there trying to figure out how I would tell my family. I figured, I would just say it.
The phone call to my mother and brother was emotional. There were some tears and exclamations of not understanding. I promised to answer all questions. My brother made a bet that he could get more girls than I could. We laughed in between tears. My grandfather, God bless his soul, was the most easy going person to talk to. I told him on my next trip home. “Poppy, I like girls.” He looked at me and said, “Me too.” That was the end of it.
But over the next few months, I changed my style of dress. I was trying to find my way. I did away with all things feminine. I left church because I knew that my masculine attire would be frowned upon and after all, us Scorpio’s dive all in, and at that time, I was unapologetic about who I was. So, out of fear and shame, I ran from the church. Oxymoronic right! How can someone be unapologetic and fearful and full of shame at the same time? This, ladies and gentlemen, is the paradox that most gays and lesbians live within.
Over the years, I went back and forth. I knew that I wanted to get married and have children, but I was not privy to the knowledge of donors and artificial insemination. Same sex marriage was illegal, so I would call it off with women and try to date men again. I wanted to appease society. I wanted to live life without being “different.” I was unhappy. Eventually, I got to the point where I had sworn off marriage. I honestly could not see myself with a man for the rest of my life. I still wanted children, and by that point, I began researching cryobanks and thinking more and more about becoming a single parent. Washington, D.C. passed a law legalizing gay marriage. Still, I knew of no one walking this path.
Until, the day that my then personal trainer and her wife drove to D.C. to get married. I wrote and performed a poem specifically for the wedding. It was in that moment that I knew it was possible. I no longer had to suppress my feelings or do without a life long love for the sake of everyone else. It was in that moment, at the wedding, that I decided that I no longer wanted to know fear, to know shame. I wanted to live my life with no fear, no shame.
My trainer and her wife inspired me to live life out loud, to not cower behind my feelings, my desires. They taught me that you don’t have to follow the lead of the majority. They taught me that same sex marriage is just the same as heterosexual marriage. The mundane ins and outs of every day life being experienced between two people who love each other. And honestly, that’s all that should matter.
Not too long after that wedding, I met an amazing woman. I decided that at 31 years old I was tired of denying myself happiness at the expense of others. I deserved to be happy and that was nothing to be fearful or shameful about. I let down my guard and approached this courting experience like I never had in the past. I tucked my fear in my back pocket. At this rate, what did I have to lose. I went out on weekdays. We talked and texted whenever time allowed. I sent good morning messages. I checked on her. I didn’t let the “she’s going to think I’m pressed,” or “she’s going to know how much I like her” mentality discourage me from following my feelings. We courted each other with honest sincerity. We discussed our hopes, our dreams, and our desires. We met each other’s families. We set goals and implemented a game plan to see it through. Most importantly, we prayed, together.
Today, we are happily married with two beautiful children. And although I do still have some fears, I am not ashamed of my family or my journey. I have no issues with telling someone that I have a wife. I take pride in saying it. I am proud to carry her last name, and I am proud of all of the strides that marriage equality has made over the years. I know that my story will be inspiration for someone else on the LGBTQ spectrum. But, as for the fear, I have it but on a different level. I still have fears and apprehensions that my family will not always be accepted. We have to be mindful of the neighborhood that we chose to raise our children in, because the truth is, the world isn’t always kind. However, I have a greater confidence in my journey and my sexuality to the extent that no one will ever again make me fearful or ashamed of who I am.
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