No Fear. No Shame. – Kevin Dwayne
A belief that I hold dearly is that we spend our adulthood dismantling many of the misguided notions of our adolescence. As children and young adults, we tend to have unwavering trust for our guardians, so we take the information they provide us as fact with little questioning. However, the maturing adult understands that our parents and leaders were also profoundly human and often did the best they could with the information they possessed. We also discover that just because someone was responsible for guiding us, doesn’t mean they had our best interests at heart all the time.
My life is a testament to the type of leaders mentioned above. In hindsight, these people were operating out of personal fear and shame; this was merely passed down in a bout of pathology. After years of self-discovery, self-love, and profound courage, I can genuinely say I live a life free of shame and fear that many elders tried to instill in me.
As a child, I was very much a people pleaser. I’d often sacrifice anything if I thought others would approve of me. I wasn’t confrontational, even when it was my full right to stand up for myself. I was an empathetic and sensitive kid: I wanted to avoid turmoil at all costs. I was grateful to have parents and older siblings who picked up on my behavior and defended me when they knew I was reluctant to do it for myself. I carried these validation-seeking traits well into my high school years. I’d later find out the Universe would push me in a direction where I had no choice but to construct a backbone to have freedom over my life.
My childhood was very run-of-the-mill regarding growing up with same-sex attraction. Commonly, I was chastised for doing things “like a girl” and being told I needed to “man up.” As a form of protection throughout my grade school years, I would posture and pose using the often trivial social constructs of masculinity. In my heart, I always knew I would reach my limit, and it wouldn’t be too far in the future.
When I was 17, I became more comfortable with my sexuality. I’d began telling my closest friends I was gay. I went to a private Christian school, so the response was often what one would expect; however, a few were surprisingly accepting of my disposition. I hadn’t told my parents because I had fears of the outcome. My uncle died of AIDS in the late eighties, and it left a terrible taste in the family’s collective mouth. My concern was being treated as a pariah; however, I was laying the foundation to come out on my own terms.
Due to slip-ups and trusting the wrong people, the parents of a classmate found out about my sexuality. Since I was a minor, they threatened to out me to my parents. After pleading with them, they agreed to hold off if I obliged getting “help” for my same-sex attractions. I was blackmailed into reparative therapy for my entire senior year of high school. During that time, I also believed that I was sinning and could be delivered of the so-called “homosexual spirit.” I became depressed because no amount of conferences, bible-reading, or prayer was changing my attractions. Then, it occurred to me at the base of it all, I didn’t want to change. I was born that way; if people had a problem with it, it was theirs to unpack, and it had nothing to do with me.
I eventually decided I had enough of people controlling me and came out to my parents. Though it wasn’t ideal for them at first, they were ultimately accepting and protected me. Once they knew, I no longer cared about who was aware of my being gay and didn’t try to save any bruised friendships, due to personal disagreements on how I operated romantically. I took a stance that my sexuality and identity were no longer up for debate and my relationship with God was just that—mine. This was the first rung in my ladder of freedom.
In 2012, both of my guardians—I was raised by my aunt and uncle— and my grandmother passed away within three months. To add insult to the grieving process, I was also laid off from the job I loved and worked for the previous five years. Instead of falling into depression, I saw this as a sign that a new chapter was ahead. This led me from California to Georgia. I courageously started a new life across the country. Without my nest of protection, I began a more in-depth journey into myself and my belief systems.
For many years, I attempted to reconcile my sexuality with Christianity. One Sunday after church, I purchased a new study bible that I enjoyed reading. In a challenge to myself, I decided to read the entire text from cover to cover. In completing the canon as the whole, I came to the conclusion that Christianity no longer had a place in my life. My personal experiences, my worldviews, and my knowledge wouldn’t allow me to believe anymore.
I began to take full control and live on my own terms. My prayers became meditation and setting intents for the day. Instead of tithing to a church, I gave my money to relief funds and people in need. I also volunteered my time where needed. I treated people with love and respect because it’s how I wanted to be addressed. I learned the power of manifestation and good karma. I used to believe that when good things happen, it was only because of “God’s favor,” but I quickly discovered that when you do good, good comes back to you; it’s all about creating and maintaining an energy flow.
Leaving organized religion freed me from so much shame around my identity and sexuality. It also allows me to view humanity through a more precise lens. I still believe in a higher power that guides us and a spiritual realm beyond this life. I think we have our own personal heavens and hells here on Earth; however, burning for eternity is excessive and created by a human masochist, as an attempt to control our behaviors. This fear of being punished to no end can limit opportunities because it squanders essential life experiences and increases judgmental rhetoric. I had to free myself from this way of thinking.
Currently, I live my absolute best life. Optimism is the minimum, and I have great faith in humanity’s ability to do good by one another. I’m continually constructing and exceeding personal goals. I’m mentally and physically healthy. I’m surrounded by intelligent, compassionate, and thriving people. I couldn’t have asked for a better journey. This is what it’s like to live with no fear and no shame.
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